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                                                                                 Reg No - A101973OZ              

                                                             

                      "Laughter is the best medicine"                                                 

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A Russian woman married an English man and they lived in London. The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate sufficiently with her husband.  However a problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.   One day she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. The next day she needed to get chicken breasts, and again she didn't know how to say it so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.     

On the 3rd day, she needed to buy some small sausages and unable to think of a way to communicate this she brought her husband to the store...... 

What were you thinking???? Her husband speaks English!!! 

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1981  & 2005 Two Interesting Years 
Interesting Year 1981  
1.  Prince Charles got married. 
2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe . 
3.  Australia lost the Ashes. 
4.  The Pope died. 
  
Interesting Year 2005  
1.  Prince Charles got  married. 
2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of  Europe . 
3.  Australia lost the Ashes. 
4.  The Pope died. 

Lesson  to be learned:  
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

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SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH               

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. 

Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked.   Her Mum, Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born. 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. 

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr  old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. 

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!'

             

This happened yesterday and is an important lesson for our age group. 

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre. Afterwards he began to have blurred vision on the way home. 

When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized. 

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination centre and pick up his glasses. 

                               

If you ever testify in court you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility… 

 Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'     A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'  

 Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'     A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'  

 Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'          A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'  

 Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'     A: 'Yes sir, we do'  

 Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'     A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'  

 Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'    A: 'Yes, sir.'  

 Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'     A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

 The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

                           

REMEMBER   WHEN:

It  took five minutes for the TV to warm  up.   
Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school . 
Nobody owned a purebred dog.  
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a  penny. 
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and  petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..  
It  was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. 
They  threatened to keep children back a year if they  failed the school year. . .   And they did!  
When  a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...   
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car.
House doors were never locked .

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with  the rules of the game.  
And with all our progress, don't you wish, just  once, you could slip back in  time and  savour the slower pace?
When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited us at home.  
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't  because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our  parents and grandparents were a  much bigger threat! We survived because their love was greater than the threat. 
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating, visits to the pool, and eating liquorice  sticks.   

Didn't  that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I  remember that'

                                     

An officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look, where he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine . He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop asked, "What are you doing?"
The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing is happening!

He asked, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked, "And what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

                                                             

 The importance of proper grammar.       

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.    

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
 
The old Indian gave him a potion and warned  - "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3'

When you do you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
 
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4" he responded, "but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
 
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a teaspoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he became the manliest of men.

His wife began throwing off her clothes and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for ?"

And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

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I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare.

But he chewed it a lot, and now I can't work out if it's 2B or not 2B....                                             

                                             

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin. 

                                     ***********************

I always start the day with good intentions.

Then I get out of bed, and that's usually where it all goes wrong

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Two old friends met after a long break.

The first said “How are you, how is the wife”?

The second said “She’s gone - we got divorced” .

The first said “What about your house”?

The second said “That was easy - we shared it 50/50.  She got the inside, and I got the outside.                                

                                      

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.  

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine.  

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.  Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside checkpoint.  As it was a cab, they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident.  This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before,  I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it                                                               

                                                              

         Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter

         the supermarket.

         It's a government plot to erase your memory.

         I went in for a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread and came home with

         a case of beer and 12 bottles of wine!!