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                                                                                 Reg No - A101973OZ              

                                                             

                      "Laughter is the best medicine"  

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         I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare.

 But he chewed it a lot, and now I can't work out if it's 2B or not 2B....

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CHILDREN

My wife hosted a party for many of our old friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for years. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children and grandchildren along as well.

All  throughout dinner, Emma, my wife's best friend's four-year-old granddaughter kept staring at me. 

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.    

Finally I asked her, "Emma, why are you staring at me so?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour also, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

Little Emma said, "I just wanna see how you drink like a fish."

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                   I always start the day with good intentions.

  Then I get out of bed, and that's usually where it all goes wrong

                                          ******************************

Two old friends met after a long break.

The first said “How are you, how is the wife”?

The second said “She’s gone - we got divorced” .

The first said “What about your house”?

The second said “That was easy - we shared it 50/50.  She got the inside, and I got the outside.                                

                                   **********

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

                                                         *****************

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.  

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine.  

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.  Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside checkpoint.  As it was a cab, they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident.  This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before,  I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it                                                               

                      

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use mysterious, inscrutable words like "east."

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out!

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

                                   

         Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter

         the supermarket.

         It's a government plot to erase your memory.

         I went in for a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread and came home with

         a case of beer and 12 bottles of wine!!